What 20 Years Behind the Scenes at Weddings Taught Me About What Really Matters
There is one wedding that I will never forget.
The couple had their hearts set on an outdoor ceremony. Unfortunately, the Irish weather had other ideas.
One minute there was sunshine, the next there was rain. We had been watching the clouds all morning, wondering what they were going to do next.
But the couple wanted their ceremony outside, so we made it happen.
Everything was going beautifully until they reached their vows.
And then came the hailstones.
Not a little shower of rain. Actual hailstones, bouncing off the umbrellas that everyone had hurriedly put up.
You could hear them pelting down around us.
And do you know what happened?
Everyone laughed.
The couple were laughing, their guests were laughing, and for those few moments, Mother Nature had well and truly taken over.
Then, almost as quickly as it had started, it stopped.
The umbrellas came down, the sun appeared, and the couple walked back up the aisle in glorious sunshine.
It was spectacular.
I have been involved in an extraordinary number of weddings over the years, but that one has stayed with me.
Not because everything went according to plan.
Quite the opposite.
From hotelier to humanist celebrant
I spent over 20 years working in senior hotel management across Ireland, with weddings forming a significant part of my career.
During those years, I was involved in practically every aspect of the wedding experience, from the first enquiry and initial planning meetings to the ceremony, reception, speeches and celebrations that followed.
I worked with couples, families, photographers, florists, musicians, venue teams and just about every wedding supplier you could imagine.
I have since moved away from hotel management and into the role of an accredited humanist celebrant in Northern Ireland.
It has been a wonderful transition, and one that has allowed me to bring everything I learned in hospitality into a much more personal part of the wedding day.
But interestingly, becoming a celebrant did not fundamentally change my opinion of what makes a good wedding.
If anything, it reinforced what I had already learned.
And some of those lessons might surprise you.
Timings matter. But they should not take over your wedding.
One thing I have watched couples worry about repeatedly is the timing of their wedding day.
Everything has to happen at a particular time.
The ceremony starts at two. Photographs begin at three. Dinner is at five. Speeches follow, and everyone is expected to move from one part of the celebration to the next like clockwork.
Of course, timings are important.
I spent years managing wedding operations, so I would be the last person to suggest otherwise.
But there is an enormous difference between having a well organised wedding and expecting every minute to go exactly as planned.
Whenever I was planning a wedding with a couple, I would build flexibility into the schedule from the beginning.
If the ceremony was supposed to start at two, I would allow for the possibility of a 15 or 20 minute delay.
I would consider the time the photographer needed, how guests would move between different areas, and what could be adjusted if something took longer than expected.
Sometimes that meant discussing the possibility of taking certain photographs later in the day, perhaps around sunset, rather than trying to squeeze everything into an already busy afternoon.
These are the details that experienced wedding professionals should be thinking about.
And here is the important part.
The couple should not have to spend their wedding day worrying about them.
In my experience, something lovely happens when the wedding day finally arrives.
All those little worries that occupied so much time during the planning stages often disappear.
There is excitement, emotion and that wonderful feeling of having so many people you love gathered together.
You are caught up in the moment.
And that is exactly where you should be.
The professionals are there to manage the arrangements quietly in the background.
That is our job.
Tradition is a choice, not an obligation
I have watched the wedding industry change enormously, particularly over the past ten or fifteen years.
And I genuinely believe much of that change has been positive.
Couples have far more freedom to create celebrations that reflect their personalities, relationships and preferences.
Traditional weddings can be wonderful. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting those traditions.
But there is equally nothing wrong with deciding they are not for you.
Take the ceremony entrance, for example.
One person might want to wait at the top of the aisle while the other makes an entrance.
Both might prefer to walk in separately.
They might want to enter together.
Or perhaps they would rather be there from the beginning, welcoming their guests before the ceremony starts.
All of those approaches can work beautifully.
It should not be determined by gender or by what somebody else believes a wedding ought to look like.
The same applies to the exchange of rings, the wording of the ceremony, how the couple are introduced and the many other little decisions that make a wedding personal.
As a celebrant, I work with a ceremony structure that I know works well.
But that structure is a starting point, not a set of instructions that every couple must follow.
My job is to guide them through the possibilities and help them decide what feels right.
There are certain legal requirements for a marriage ceremony, of course, but beyond those requirements, there is considerable room for individuality.
I have always believed that a wedding should reflect the two people getting married.
Not the expectations of everyone around them.
Inclusivity is about what we actually do
One of the most significant changes I have witnessed in the wedding industry is the way we approach inclusivity.
I have learned a great deal over the years myself.
Language has evolved, and I think wedding professionals have become more conscious of making assumptions about couples and their relationships.
For example, why automatically refer to a bride and groom when we can simply talk about the couple?
Why assume how someone wants to be introduced, or which traditions they intend to follow?
These are things we can establish naturally by getting to know the people sitting in front of us.
But inclusivity extends far beyond language.
During my years managing venues, we regularly had to consider how guests with mobility difficulties could access outdoor ceremony spaces.
At one venue, we had beautiful areas in the forest and beside the lake where couples could marry.
For guests who needed assistance, we arranged transport to bring them to the ceremony and back again.
And importantly, we considered the practicalities of the weather, the ground conditions and whether everyone could participate safely and comfortably.
It was not simply about getting people there.
It was about ensuring they could enjoy the experience.
Now, as a celebrant, I have become increasingly conscious of how different people experience ceremonies.
Particularly children, including those who may be neurodivergent or who simply find it difficult to sit quietly for an extended period.
Sometimes a child will talk.
Sometimes they will move about.
Occasionally there will be a little commotion.
And do you know what I do?
I smile, and I carry on.
I have no desire to make a child or their parents feel uncomfortable because they have made a little noise during a wedding ceremony.
In fact, I often think about those moments being captured on the wedding recording.
Twenty years from now, when a family looks back at that ceremony, hearing those little voices might mean far more to them than anything I was saying at the time.
They will remember the child as they were then.
And that is rather lovely.
Not every moment needs to be perfectly quiet, perfectly rehearsed or perfectly controlled.
Sometimes the little interruptions are part of what makes the occasion so special.
You should not need to become a wedding expert
Something I notice frequently on social media is couples asking what questions they should bring to their first meeting with a wedding supplier.
What should they ask the venue?
What should they ask the celebrant?
What should they ask the photographer?
Now, there is certainly nothing wrong with being prepared or having questions of your own.
But I would offer another perspective.
You should not need to arrive at your first meeting knowing everything you need to ask.
That is why you are meeting a professional.
They have the experience. They understand the process. They know which details matter and which decisions need to be made.
They should be guiding you.
Whenever I meet a couple who tell me they have absolutely no idea where to start with their ceremony, my response is straightforward.
You do not need to know.
That is what I am here for.
I will guide you through the process, explain the options, answer your questions and help you make decisions that feel right for you.
I have got you.
That is what I believe a good wedding professional should offer.
Not simply a service, but the reassurance that somebody experienced is looking after an important part of your day.
Your story does not need to sound like anybody else's
One of my favourite parts of being a celebrant is getting to know the couples I work with.
I do this through conversation.
We sit down, have a chat, enjoy a little craic, and I ask them about their lives together.
Sometimes we laugh quite a bit.
Other times the conversation becomes more emotional.
And occasionally somebody shares something that even their partner has never heard them express quite so openly before.
I cannot honestly tell you that I have some extraordinary technique for getting people to open up.
I think I have simply become a very good listener.
Years of working with people in hospitality have probably helped enormously.
I listen to what couples tell me, how they tell it, how they react to one another and which little details seem important to them.
Then I take those conversations and turn them into a story that their guests can enjoy.
But there is something else I feel quite strongly about.
Not every part of a couple's story needs to be shared publicly.
Some memories are deeply personal.
Some experiences are meaningful precisely because they belong to just two people.
And sometimes a couple might love something I have written but decide they would rather keep it for themselves.
That is absolutely fine.
The couple always has the final say over what is included in their ceremony.
It is their story, after all.
My responsibility is to listen carefully, represent them faithfully and help them share as much or as little as they wish.
The ceremony sets the tone for everything that follows
Over the years, I have watched the role of the wedding ceremony evolve.
There was a time when some guests would attend the celebrations but occasionally miss the ceremony itself.
As ceremonies at wedding venues became more common, I began to notice how personal and engaging they could be.
A wonderful ceremony can set the atmosphere for the entire day.
It brings people together.
It gives guests a glimpse into the relationship they are there to celebrate.
There might be a few laughs, but I do not mean humour simply for the sake of getting a reaction.
I mean those warm, genuine moments when everyone recognises something about the couple and feels part of their story.
And I think it is important that the story is told well.
Nobody wants to sit through an endless essay about two people's lives.
The ceremony should be engaging. It should have warmth, personality and a natural flow.
Most importantly, it should remind everyone why they have gathered.
Before the photographs, the dinner, the speeches and the dancing, two people are making a commitment to one another.
They have brought together the people they love to witness and celebrate that moment.
For me, that is the heart of a wedding.
What really matters?
When I think back over all the weddings I have been involved in, the moments that stay with me are rarely the ones that went exactly according to plan.
They are the moments when people were simply being themselves.
The unexpected laughter.
The emotion in someone's voice.
The little child who decided to make their presence known.
The guests coming together to celebrate two people they love.
And, of course, the hailstones that arrived during a couple's wedding vows.
I have seen an enormous amount of planning go into weddings over the years, and I appreciate the work and thought that goes into creating a beautiful celebration.
But I have also learned that perfection is not what makes a wedding memorable.
People do.
So plan the wedding you want. Choose the traditions that mean something to you. Surround yourselves with professionals who listen, understand and guide you.
And when the day arrives, allow yourselves to enjoy it.
Because years from now, I suspect it will be the people, the laughter and those wonderfully unexpected moments that you remember most.
And if a few hailstones happen to arrive during your vows?
Well, you might just end up with a wedding story worth telling for the next 20 years.
I am Roisín, an accredited humanist celebrant based in Northern Ireland and the person behind Bespoke Ceremonies by Roisín. After more than 20 years working in hotel management and wedding hospitality, I now have the privilege of creating and conducting personal wedding ceremonies for couples.
If you are planning a wedding in Northern Ireland and would like a ceremony that genuinely reflects you, I would love to hear what you have in mind.
